Can't sleep

Mood swings are out of control. Can't sleep despite how tired I am. Up at 1 a.m. doing laundry and dishes. Sleeping meds are of no use. Manic/depressed: I am all over the place. Eating disorder is playing a significant role in my life. Luckily, I do have support systems in place. Thankfully, there are many people who are willing to put up with my insanity and hang around until I work through it. So many times, I just wish that I was "normal." My mind is always so busy with all of the things I want/need to do. OCD, perfectionism, PTSD, and life in general can be overwhelming. I am grateful for the moments when my mind does calm down and I am able to rest. However, this is not one of those moments. If you are suffering, too, I am praying for an effective treatment. In the meantime, we continue our regime of medications, therapy, psychiatric visits, and following our food plans. Waiting, hoping for an answer. I think, above all, the most important thought that I have had in the past week is that when I die, I want my headstone to simply say "she made a difference." Every day, I wake up and thank God for another day. I make every attempt to add something to someone else's life--even if it is only a smile. We should all be thankful for what we do have; there is usually someone less fortunate. If everyone would take a moment to add a little kindness and then, "pay it forward," the world would be a better place.

May you find peace.

Let's Go Crazy...

"You know, a long time ago being crazy meant something. Nowadays, everybody's crazy."-Charles Manson

"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most,"-Mark Twain

"I had a thought. It was lonely...so, it left me."-me

Yesterday, I saw my therapist. Depressed, paranoid, and desperate to get out of there. Very unusual for me. Normally, I perceive her office as a warm, safe, loving environment where I am free to be myself. My mind was totally altering my perceptions. She was asking me questions, looking at me, and jotting down notes. In other words, doing her job. I was becoming increasingly paranoid as I sat there. I wanted to yell, "Why are you staring at me? What are you writing about me? " She inquired about the paranoia. I told her I couldn't trust anyone...even her. She thought this episode may have been triggered by deep family discussions we had last week or perhaps, the stress of returning to work. Whatever the cause, i am tired of it. Eventually, she told me to call my nurse practitioner. My NP said it was probably related to stress of returning to work. She said it wasn't anything medicine would help and I needed to work on coping skills with therapist. Previously, my therapist mentioned possibility of needing to go to Stress Center. I told her I wouldn't attempt suicide because I have tried before and always fail. She asked what I was doing to help myself. "Surrounding myself with my family," I told her. I also mentioned the compulsive cleaning. On the positive, I am still abstinent. Reality: I FEEL LIKE SHIT!!! I sat in that chair in her office with tears in my eyes. Tightly closing my eyes, I tried to "disappear." But it was useless. Through all of this therapy, she has stripped me of my defenses. I can no longer block out the feelings. They are much to overwhelming. I am walking a fine line between reality and insanity...the worst part is that I am totally aware of it, but nobody else seems to be. So, let me leave you with this fnal thought for today:
"I saw weird stuff in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, eerie, Godless, evil stuff...and I want in."-Homer Simpson

nothing

nothing. i am wondering. when other people's moods drastically shift, are you as aware as i am at the change? for instance, the depressive feeling attacked between 11 and 1130 a.m. yesterday. at first, i just felt sad and it escelated until i was sobbing. then, enters the paranoid feelings. my mind races with insecurity. my attempts to reach out were futile...answering macines, voice mail, unanswered texts. reminders, in my mind, that i am alone. eventually, i talk with therapist and nurse practitioner. "take another pill." amazingly, that was always mom's answer to everything. there was a pill for whatever the ailment was. it is just a struggle to stay out of bed. and yet, the extra dose of medicine makes me sleep. that is when there is "nothing." to such an addictive personality, this is a mixed blessing. asleep, there is no happiness or sadness-just "nothing." then, i wake up and now, i really feel crazy. still too emotionally low to adequately function. want to return to "nothing." not too crazy about myself. thoughts of being fat return. that is the anxiety talking. i just have to remind myself that i have always survived these episodes.

Crazy Thinking

Okay, we all know I am bipolar. True, I have been fairly stable. Like most things in life, stability is threatened when "stuff" comes back to bite you on the ass. Paranoia. Who can I truly trust? Feeling quite alone, right now. Although she says she is affirming my feelings, I feel like she no longer believes in me. Horrific messages from my past. "I am no good." "I will never amount to anything." "Don't trust anyone." Not feeling very serene at this moment. I need contact with people. I know that intellectually. However, I am finding it difficult, if not impossible, to reach out. So, here I am--writing. It is a wonder anyone believes in me. I have failed time and time, again. I am quickly sinking in the quicksand of despair. I am feeling abandoned by my "friends." Isolated. Scared. Tearful. If only I could magically disappear from existance. What is the point in life? I have no answers. Just questions. I don't want to bring anyone down. I am not even sure why I chose to blog today. To all that read this, I am extremely vulnerable right now.