nothing

nothing. i am wondering. when other people's moods drastically shift, are you as aware as i am at the change? for instance, the depressive feeling attacked between 11 and 1130 a.m. yesterday. at first, i just felt sad and it escelated until i was sobbing. then, enters the paranoid feelings. my mind races with insecurity. my attempts to reach out were futile...answering macines, voice mail, unanswered texts. reminders, in my mind, that i am alone. eventually, i talk with therapist and nurse practitioner. "take another pill." amazingly, that was always mom's answer to everything. there was a pill for whatever the ailment was. it is just a struggle to stay out of bed. and yet, the extra dose of medicine makes me sleep. that is when there is "nothing." to such an addictive personality, this is a mixed blessing. asleep, there is no happiness or sadness-just "nothing." then, i wake up and now, i really feel crazy. still too emotionally low to adequately function. want to return to "nothing." not too crazy about myself. thoughts of being fat return. that is the anxiety talking. i just have to remind myself that i have always survived these episodes.

Crazy Thinking

Okay, we all know I am bipolar. True, I have been fairly stable. Like most things in life, stability is threatened when "stuff" comes back to bite you on the ass. Paranoia. Who can I truly trust? Feeling quite alone, right now. Although she says she is affirming my feelings, I feel like she no longer believes in me. Horrific messages from my past. "I am no good." "I will never amount to anything." "Don't trust anyone." Not feeling very serene at this moment. I need contact with people. I know that intellectually. However, I am finding it difficult, if not impossible, to reach out. So, here I am--writing. It is a wonder anyone believes in me. I have failed time and time, again. I am quickly sinking in the quicksand of despair. I am feeling abandoned by my "friends." Isolated. Scared. Tearful. If only I could magically disappear from existance. What is the point in life? I have no answers. Just questions. I don't want to bring anyone down. I am not even sure why I chose to blog today. To all that read this, I am extremely vulnerable right now.