nothing

nothing. i am wondering. when other people's moods drastically shift, are you as aware as i am at the change? for instance, the depressive feeling attacked between 11 and 1130 a.m. yesterday. at first, i just felt sad and it escelated until i was sobbing. then, enters the paranoid feelings. my mind races with insecurity. my attempts to reach out were futile...answering macines, voice mail, unanswered texts. reminders, in my mind, that i am alone. eventually, i talk with therapist and nurse practitioner. "take another pill." amazingly, that was always mom's answer to everything. there was a pill for whatever the ailment was. it is just a struggle to stay out of bed. and yet, the extra dose of medicine makes me sleep. that is when there is "nothing." to such an addictive personality, this is a mixed blessing. asleep, there is no happiness or sadness-just "nothing." then, i wake up and now, i really feel crazy. still too emotionally low to adequately function. want to return to "nothing." not too crazy about myself. thoughts of being fat return. that is the anxiety talking. i just have to remind myself that i have always survived these episodes.