"You know, a long time ago being crazy meant something. Nowadays, everybody's crazy."-Charles Manson
"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most,"-Mark Twain
"I had a thought. It was lonely...so, it left me."-me
Yesterday, I saw my therapist. Depressed, paranoid, and desperate to get out of there. Very unusual for me. Normally, I perceive her office as a warm, safe, loving environment where I am free to be myself. My mind was totally altering my perceptions. She was asking me questions, looking at me, and jotting down notes. In other words, doing her job. I was becoming increasingly paranoid as I sat there. I wanted to yell, "Why are you staring at me? What are you writing about me? " She inquired about the paranoia. I told her I couldn't trust anyone...even her. She thought this episode may have been triggered by deep family discussions we had last week or perhaps, the stress of returning to work. Whatever the cause, i am tired of it. Eventually, she told me to call my nurse practitioner. My NP said it was probably related to stress of returning to work. She said it wasn't anything medicine would help and I needed to work on coping skills with therapist. Previously, my therapist mentioned possibility of needing to go to Stress Center. I told her I wouldn't attempt suicide because I have tried before and always fail. She asked what I was doing to help myself. "Surrounding myself with my family," I told her. I also mentioned the compulsive cleaning. On the positive, I am still abstinent. Reality: I FEEL LIKE SHIT!!! I sat in that chair in her office with tears in my eyes. Tightly closing my eyes, I tried to "disappear." But it was useless. Through all of this therapy, she has stripped me of my defenses. I can no longer block out the feelings. They are much to overwhelming. I am walking a fine line between reality and insanity...the worst part is that I am totally aware of it, but nobody else seems to be. So, let me leave you with this fnal thought for today:
"I saw weird stuff in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, eerie, Godless, evil stuff...and I want in."-Homer Simpson
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