My Story

On Monday, February 14, I will be seeing my cardiologist to find out how much damage my heart has endured as a result of my years of eating disorders. In all honesty, I am so very lucky to be alive. I wake up every single day and thank my higher power for another chance to take care of myself while helping others with this devestating disease.

The Beginning
Who can say when it all begin. If genetics are truly responsible, the eating disorder has always been there. However, I can name some triggers that lead to the extremes that I have went to in order to have the "perfect body." First and foremost in my mind is the fact that I came from a totally dysfunctional family. Abuse was commonplace. Physical, emotional, and sexual. My mother sufferred from eating disorders as well. So, fixation on food was learned if not inherited. I was subject to comments such as "you are fat, ugly, stupid, a whore, a slut, a bitch." I was told that I would never amount to anything and that she wished I had never been born. In an extreme effort to make myself numb, my primary focus became weight loss. I felt that in a world of chaos, food and my weight were the things that I could control.Although my "relationship" with food started long before, my mom took me to a weight loss doctor when I was 13. This was the beginning of an addiction that I have battled for almost 30 years.

The Dangers

Years of binging, starving, over-exercising, and purging totally ruined my health. At age 32, I was diagnosed with cardiomyopathy. My heart was failing. Since then, I have dealt with dental issues and have lost many of my teeth. I have had gastric ulcers, esophageal ulcers, esophageal tears, and more. I had a prolapsed uterus due to over exercise and in part related to pregnancies. I had a prolapsed rectum related to the overuse of laxatives. I have been addicted to diet pills. All in all, this disease is UGLY! In the search for the "perfect body," I ruined the body that my higher power gave me. Over the years, I have been close to death, but thankfully, I am alive today.

Recovery
I cannot change what I have done to myself. I can change how I choose to treat myself and view myself. Yes, I still look in the mirror and see this huge monster looking back, but that is the eating disorder fighting to get back into my life. I know it is a distorted image and when it is necessary, I ask those that I trust to help me see the truth. I have been 92 pounds and I have seen 300 pounds over my adult life. You know what? The numbers didn't mean a damn thing. Happiness was never there. All that was there was a focus on a number, numbness, and isolation. It is okay to feel. Anger, fear, sadness: they get a bad rap. These feelings must be lived with. They can be useful in finding the right path. Tears are not a sign of weakness. They are necessary for cleansing the soul. There must be balance in everything. You must have sadness, anger, and fear to balance the enthusiasm, excitement, love, happiness, and invincible feelings. It is the same with health. You have to balance nutrition, exericse, spirituality.

My thoughts
I am who I am because of all the events that have preceeded me. I would not be who I am now if I did not have these experiences. I would not advise anyone else to indulge in an eating disorder to find peace. It doesn't work that way. What I am saying is that I no longer feel anger at my higher power for what has happened to me. I completely accept my responsibility in all of it. There have always been and always will be choices. The journey is a road full of twist and turns with side roads and road blocks. I have made wrong turns but somehow, found my way back. I am so very grateful to Audry, Kathie, Mia, Mark, Lilli, Bo, Scott, Ali, Diana, Jennifer, Nina, Alisha, and everyone (too many to name) who have guided, supported, and touched my life. I have learned that it is okay to open up and allow others in. Sometimes, you have to be careful about who you let in, but there are good people in the world.

Hopefully, one person will read this and it will give them the courage to seek help in whatever form they need. Don't let my mistakes be without a reason. Please, take care of yourself. If you do, somehow, other things will take care of themselves as well.

Indiana Senator Wants Mandatory School Weigh Ins

Senator Gard is rallying to make weigh ins in school mandatory in an attempt to curb obesity in our children.  I can't even begin to explain my outrage. As you are well aware, I have been battling eating disorders of all varieties for about 38 years.  Currently, there are approximately 8 million confirmed cases of bulimia and anorexia.  There have even been cases of anorexia being diagnosed in children as young as 7 years of age.  Obesity is another condition caused by eating disorders.  We should NOT be focusing on the number on the scale.  Instead, we should be teaching our children about the adverse effects of eating disorders, positive effects of proper nutrition and exercise, and how to have love and respect for themselves.  There are many psychosocial issues underlying eating disorders.  To begin with, food is one of the basic human needs.  When we are babies, we are usually held when we "eat" from our bottle.  In this way, we receive love and validation.  Unfortunately, some of us begin to associate that love and validation with food.  That is in the most simpest terms why compulsive overeaters eat.  Those of us with eating disorders are searching for something that somehow, our minds believe food will give us.  Restricting food, such as anorexia, is an attempt to control something.  It all goes back to emotions.  Perhaps, we, as a society, should be teaching our children that it is okay to feel things and express our feelings in an appropriate manner.  "Boys don't cry," "Crying makes you weak," "Don't feel that way"...these phrases are frequently heard and just as harmful as anything else.  Everyone needs balance.  This includes physical (food and exercise), emotional, and spiritual (not to be confused with religion.)  One thing that I have learned on my journey is that the scale is JUST A NUMBER.  We are unique individuals.  Our body shapes are not cloned.  What number is specific for one may not be healthy for another.  Even if the weigh ins are done in private, there will be ridicule.  We are so concerned with bullying in our schools.  For as long as I can remember, "being fat" has always been a target.  Do we need to add fuel to that fire?  Do we truly want to perpetuate the cycles of eating disorders?  I don't.  I want to educate the world.  Food is an addiction.  One that we are forced to consume 3 to 6 times a day.  We cannot live without it.  That would be like making an alcoholic take one drink a day, but allowing him no more.  The tempation is beyond imagination.  We need to provide others with the tools necessary to confront these addictions in a loving and supportive way.  Yes, it needs to begin at home.  I am asking that everyone join me in spreading the word.  I plan to take every road I can find to ensure that my children are not weighed in school.  I have educated them.  I take them to their doctor's appointments.  We talk.  Thankfully, my children are healthy, "normal" children.  No, they are not perfect.  Who is?  My husband often says that there was only one person who was perfect and he died on the cross---is that what you want to happen to you?  We need not be perfect.  We are human.  Our imperfections make us who we are.  We are beautiful, loving, wonderful, unique individuals that simply need to be nurtured. 

Thank you for listening,
Angi  

Stupidity in the News

Prepare yourself for the newest findings in research. "Certain foods may increase dopamine levels, leading to a 'feel good' response, which may make such foods addictive." Amazing! Who would have guessed? So, someone is actually spending money to research this concept. Isn't that the theory behind Overeater's Anonymous (OA)? It is so blatantly obvious that foods are addictive. Many foods can produce the same "high" as drugs or alcohol. Duh!!! What will the powers that be do with this knowledge? Can they use it to manufacture a pill for us that works like Antebuse for the alcoholic? Ya know, make you deathly ill if you eat? I prefer the 12 step approach. 1. "We admitted we were powerless over food-that our lives had become unmanageable." 2. "Came to believe that a power higher than ourselves could return us to sanity." 3. "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him." 4. "Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves." 5. "Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs." For more info on OA, visit the website www.oa.org I believe that we can overcome food addiction by finding and giving support to others like us. I continue to believe in the importance of working with a healthcare team including a primary care physician, a dietician, a knowledgeable therapist, and if your problems indicate the need, a psychiatrist. Please, eat responsibly...the life you save, may be your own.