My Story

On Monday, February 14, I will be seeing my cardiologist to find out how much damage my heart has endured as a result of my years of eating disorders. In all honesty, I am so very lucky to be alive. I wake up every single day and thank my higher power for another chance to take care of myself while helping others with this devestating disease.

The Beginning
Who can say when it all begin. If genetics are truly responsible, the eating disorder has always been there. However, I can name some triggers that lead to the extremes that I have went to in order to have the "perfect body." First and foremost in my mind is the fact that I came from a totally dysfunctional family. Abuse was commonplace. Physical, emotional, and sexual. My mother sufferred from eating disorders as well. So, fixation on food was learned if not inherited. I was subject to comments such as "you are fat, ugly, stupid, a whore, a slut, a bitch." I was told that I would never amount to anything and that she wished I had never been born. In an extreme effort to make myself numb, my primary focus became weight loss. I felt that in a world of chaos, food and my weight were the things that I could control.Although my "relationship" with food started long before, my mom took me to a weight loss doctor when I was 13. This was the beginning of an addiction that I have battled for almost 30 years.

The Dangers

Years of binging, starving, over-exercising, and purging totally ruined my health. At age 32, I was diagnosed with cardiomyopathy. My heart was failing. Since then, I have dealt with dental issues and have lost many of my teeth. I have had gastric ulcers, esophageal ulcers, esophageal tears, and more. I had a prolapsed uterus due to over exercise and in part related to pregnancies. I had a prolapsed rectum related to the overuse of laxatives. I have been addicted to diet pills. All in all, this disease is UGLY! In the search for the "perfect body," I ruined the body that my higher power gave me. Over the years, I have been close to death, but thankfully, I am alive today.

Recovery
I cannot change what I have done to myself. I can change how I choose to treat myself and view myself. Yes, I still look in the mirror and see this huge monster looking back, but that is the eating disorder fighting to get back into my life. I know it is a distorted image and when it is necessary, I ask those that I trust to help me see the truth. I have been 92 pounds and I have seen 300 pounds over my adult life. You know what? The numbers didn't mean a damn thing. Happiness was never there. All that was there was a focus on a number, numbness, and isolation. It is okay to feel. Anger, fear, sadness: they get a bad rap. These feelings must be lived with. They can be useful in finding the right path. Tears are not a sign of weakness. They are necessary for cleansing the soul. There must be balance in everything. You must have sadness, anger, and fear to balance the enthusiasm, excitement, love, happiness, and invincible feelings. It is the same with health. You have to balance nutrition, exericse, spirituality.

My thoughts
I am who I am because of all the events that have preceeded me. I would not be who I am now if I did not have these experiences. I would not advise anyone else to indulge in an eating disorder to find peace. It doesn't work that way. What I am saying is that I no longer feel anger at my higher power for what has happened to me. I completely accept my responsibility in all of it. There have always been and always will be choices. The journey is a road full of twist and turns with side roads and road blocks. I have made wrong turns but somehow, found my way back. I am so very grateful to Audry, Kathie, Mia, Mark, Lilli, Bo, Scott, Ali, Diana, Jennifer, Nina, Alisha, and everyone (too many to name) who have guided, supported, and touched my life. I have learned that it is okay to open up and allow others in. Sometimes, you have to be careful about who you let in, but there are good people in the world.

Hopefully, one person will read this and it will give them the courage to seek help in whatever form they need. Don't let my mistakes be without a reason. Please, take care of yourself. If you do, somehow, other things will take care of themselves as well.